


Haunted

by steggyisimmortal



Series: Shield and Gun [15]
Category: Captain America
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, FIx It, major character death does not happen in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9084727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steggyisimmortal/pseuds/steggyisimmortal
Summary: I don’t recognize anything.  That’s not entirely true.  I recognize the bridges and a few of the buildings.  Those haven’t changed.  Some of the street names are the same.  Navigating around the city I once called my home is a struggle I never thought I’d go through.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Part two of my SteggySecretSanta gift for take-me-to-ny.
> 
> This part is told in first person from Steve's POV. Companion to Deja Vu but it's not necessary to read that one to understand this one.
> 
> Inspiration: 'I know if I’m haunting you, you must be haunting me.'

I don’t recognize anything.

 

That’s not entirely true.  I recognize the bridges and a few of the buildings.  Those haven’t changed.  Some of the street names are the same.  Navigating around the city I once called my home is a struggle I never thought I’d go through. 

 

Everything’s bigger and taller.  There are more people and the streets are busier.  Everything’s brighter and flashier. 

 

I don’t think I like it. 

 

I’m all alone in one of the biggest city in America.

 

When I woke up in that room I knew something was wrong.  That baseball game was one of my greatest memories.  There was a low hum in the room that I couldn’t identify.  I’ve been in a lot of hospitals but I’ve never heard that noise.  I thought I had finally been captured by Hydra.

 

I didn’t know it could actually be worse than that.

 

I feel like I failed you.  I made a promise I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to keep and I let you down. 

 

I really didn’t want to be this late.

 

* * *

 

I feel like I’m just going through the motions.  I don’t how to live in this world.  I’ve always thought I’m pretty adaptable but seventy years is a lot to go through at once. 

 

I can’t help but think about everything I lost.

 

I get so lost in the history books Fury provided me but the melancholy that comes over me is so strong I can’t help but give in. 

 

Fury says he’s on my side, that Shield is there to help me, but I don’t think anyone can help me.  Not when I’m drowning so far underwater.  There’s only person that can save me and she’s not here.

 

I think about you all the time. 

 

I don’t even have my sketchbook to look at the drawings I did of you.  I tried drawing you from memory the other day.  It frightened me that I couldn’t remember every detail.  Your face used to be so heavily imprinted on my brain.  Now the edges are frayed and blurred and the details have shrunken away to nothing. 

 

My compass still guides me. 

 

When they found me, they took my things.  The uniform I didn’t care about.  They had to cut it off me so I didn’t exactly expect it back.  When Shield helped me find an apartment they gave me my old dress uniform.  I don’t even know where they found it.  I didn’t think I’d ever see that again.  The emotions it brought back were strong. 

 

What I wanted most was my shield and compass. 

 

It’s material but the shield is a part of me.  It’s my tie to the Commandos, my time in the war, Howard. 

 

You. 

 

What I really wanted was the compass.  When I asked about it they said they didn’t know what I was talking about, that a compass hadn’t been recovered. 

 

I may have threatened a few people but I finally got it back.

 

Fury said he didn’t know what happened to my footlocker but that didn’t really concern me. 

 

I had to take it to someone who could restore it for me but the dial works again.  I found a library and, after I got the help of a very nice woman, I found the article in the newspaper I took your picture from.  She helped me print it out and now my compass is like new.  It helps keep me grounded when I feel myself spiraling again.

 

I miss you more than words can express.  I feel like I’m disappointing you now.  I’m a shadow of myself but I don’t know how to fix it.  This isn’t how Peggy Carter would handle this.  She’d handle it head on – get a bearing on her surroundings and tackle everything one at a time.  Chin up.  Stiff upper lip.  I once confessed to you I wanted to be like you.  You’re better than me in every way.  You always know just what to do no matter the circumstance. 

 

I spend a lot of time at the gym after hours.  The sadness gives way to nightmares and the nightmares give way to anger.  I’m afraid to sleep anymore.  The losses surround me – Bucky, Peggy, the Commandos, Phillips, Howard. 

 

Me.

 

I don’t know where I fit in.

 

Fury gave me some files to read a while ago but I haven’t been able to open them.  He brought me one today with something in it I never wanted to see again.  He wants me to join some kind of group but how can I be a part of a unit when I’m afraid I don’t even know myself anymore?

 

* * *

 

I don’t understand the world any better. 

 

If anything the world seems even stranger than when I woke up.  Aliens and worm holes and green people and metal suits and gods.  No, wait.  Demi gods. 

 

I miss being the only scientific oddity. 

 

We saved the world but I still don’t feel any more whole.  I don’t feel any more part of something.  I feel slightly less alone now that I know there are people who understand the feeling of being out of place but even they can’t fill the gaps.

 

I finally open those files Fury gave me. 

 

Truthfully I don’t know why I waited so long.  I figure I already knew what they said but I guess now I need to make sure they say what I think. 

 

I look at each page, the red DECEASED screaming at me and stabbing my heart a little more.  I’m just glad to see my friends lived long lives.  I hope they were happy.  I know they were.  They didn’t know any other way.  That’s one of the things that drew me to them when we first met.

 

My hands falter on your page. 

 

The word DECEASED is missing.

 

It can’t be.  It’s too good to be true.  Why did no one tell me?  I guess there was no one _to_ tell them.  I do the math in my head and figure if it’s not lying to me you’re ninety three.  I can’t help but give a small chuckle.  It makes sense – out of all of us you’re the only one still living.  Well, except me but I’m an unusual circumstance. 

 

There’s a number at the bottom of the page.  I want to call it but I’m afraid.  I don’t know what to say.  Are you mad at me?  Do you think about me?  Have you moved on and forgotten everything about me?

 

I don’t know if I can bear the answers to any of these questions.

 

But I have to hear your voice again.  I’ve longed to hear your voice for so long.

 

* * *

 

I look around but I don’t see anything familiar. 

 

I look at the scrap of paper I wrote the address on – Paley Park. 

 

The map I looked at back at my apartment – I still don’t trust those computers – showed me it was on East 53rd Street.  I don’t know what’s significant about this address but it keeps nagging at me like it’s familiar.

 

Your voice wasn’t on the other end of that phone, just three long beeps and a recorded message that made my heart freeze.

 

I glance down at my watch and notice it’s almost eight.  I’m early but I’m leery.  I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t trust anyone.  I don’t trust anyone to protect me the way you used to protect me so I dressed in darks to try and blend in. 

 

I don’t think it’s working well because a cop down the street is giving me the eye.

 

I clench my fist around my compass and try to act normal.  He finally moves on and I release the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

 

I look at the large waterfall on the opposite side of the park.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a park so small.  It’s beautiful, though.  It’s devoid of all people from what I can see.  The waterfall is illuminated from behind, lighting the small space that holds white tables and chairs.  It’s so loud it’s drowning out the noise from the cars and people in the city.  There are flowers in large pots and thin, tall trees scattered about.  It’s a nice spot.  It feels serene.  I might come back to this park depending on what kind of memory it’s about to give me.

 

I think about the address again but still my mind is coming up blank.  I know I’ve heard it before.

 

East 53rd Street

 

This park holds no significance for me.  It wasn’t here when I lived here.  Granted, I knew more about Brooklyn but I spent a lot of time all around the city.  I feel like I’d remember a park this small.

 

East 53rd

 

There’s a plaque next to the main sign.  I step closer to get a look at it.  Hmm, 1963.  Obviously I wasn’t around then and the man’s name doesn’t mean trigger any bells.  I step back over near the center of the entrance facing the waterfall.  It’s too mesmerizing not to look at it.

 

I glance down at my watch again. 

 

Eight o’clock on the dot. 

 

I look up and there you are. 

 

I blink.  This can’t be.  It’s the lights playing tricks on me.  The park was empty a second ago but that looked like you across the park only it can’t be.  You’re supposed to be ninety three.  The woman in front of me can’t be a day over twenty six.

 

East 53rd Street

 

 _‘A week next Saturday at the Stork Club._   _Eight o’clock on the dot.  Don’t you dare be late.’_

 

I open my eyes and you’re still in front of me but closer.  You have a red dress on.  Not the same one from the bar in London but breathtaking all the same.

 

This can’t be but I know you’re real.  You’re really standing in front of me. 

 

“Peggy…”

**Author's Note:**

> The Stork Club became Paley Park, a pocket park, in 1967. The Stork Club was closed in 1965 and demolished in 1966. 
> 
> To be continued in a part three at.... some point in the future.


End file.
